Thursday, July 21, 2011

Seeking to Excel

So, yeah. The whole "not getting the job" thing has me really thinking. (see previous post) Exactly WHY was I feeling so down in the dumps? Well, I tell ya, it was all NO purpose. Why is it that being rejected by men seems to get me down?

It's totally pride. So sad. I remember a time (many years ago) when I walked into a financial institution for a studen loan, and was offered a job...more than once this happened. Or a time when many friends were struggling, for months, to secure a job at the foreign army post, and I decided to give it a try and was hired on the spot. Yeah, I felt bad for my friends, but I confess, there WAS an element of pride.

That same job that I was so proud to attain...I QUIT two months later because I couldn't stand leaving my 2 year old with a babysitter. Darren was a bit upset because the extra money really did help, but I just wanted to mother my child MYSELF. I'd quit my career only a couple of years earlier when I found out I was pregnant with our first. Why was I, again, seeking a career? I wanted to be a FULL time momma. I wanted THAT for a career. It wasn't even a was a natural STRONG desire. I hadn't been taught that God commands women to be keepers at home...all my "Christian" friends and relatives had was (IS) the thing to do. But I couldn't get past my desire to raise my own child. I wanted to be there for all of her achievements. I didn't want to miss one milestone. I didn't want to miss one "INCH" stone!

So, needless to say...looking back to the past week....well, I'm a bit alarmed that those negative feelings of self worth were so strong. Shame on me. I chose the more excellent way many years ago.

This is all to preface the objective of this post: I LONG TO EXCEL!!!

Of late, that word ("excel") has been on my mind. My life's verse is found in Proverbs. In the fourteenth chapter and first verse, the Bible says: Every wise woman buildeth her house, but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.

I LONG to excel in this wisdom that is necessary to build my house. But I find myself so very lacking. Let me just say, I've a mind to continue seeking wisdom AND seeking to excel.

I Corinthians 12:7-8 tells me that the Spirit manifests Himself in our lives in different ways. It goes on to speak of different gifts, but the ones that reach out to me have to do with the mouth. "Word of wisdom" and "Word of knowlege": these phrases stick out to me, for I long to have this type of tongue.

Towards the end of the chapter, I am told to covet earnestly the best gifts, and later on in chapter 14 of the same book, I'm admonished to seek to excel to the edifying of the church.

In between these two chapters is the famous LOVE chapter: I Corinthians 13. Although I'm to covet the best gifts (gifts that EXCEL to the edifying of the church), I'm told there is a MORE EXCELLENT way! It says that even if I have all of the gifts, if I don't have charity (love), I am as vain as the beauty of tinkling cymbals...I have only OUTWARD and EMPTY works!

Last night, my daughter, Kelsi, picked up on a treasure from her Dad's preaching. Pastor Martin has been preaching on Jonah for the past few Wed. evenings. He talked about how unstable Jonah was. Chapter four of Jonah opens up with Jonah being angry. Later on, in verse three, we see his self pity. He went from grief to gladness in verse six, only to return to self pity in verse eight! But it doesn't end there, because his anger returns in verse nine. Whew! And I thought I had problems with moodiness?!?

Continuing on with my thoughts: Bro. Martin pointed out others who were unstable, and Reuben was one example. His father, Jacob, says in Genesis forty-nine of his oldest son, "Unstable as water thou shalt not excel." (insert here an emoticon with huge, surprised eyes and an opened, astonished mouth!)

Kelsi went on to bring up the idea that he wouldn't excel BECAUSE he was unstable as water. Bro. Martin then went on to mention verses about "double minded" men and mouths that bring forth both "blessing and cursing". (It really WAS a great time in the house of God last night!)

The conclusion: I'm not quite sure yet (?) You see, I'm ALWAYS needing to "stick my foot in my mouth." I HATE that! I LONG to have those gifts of wisdom that are mentioned above. I LONG to excel, but can often be so unstable (moody) in my emotions.

BUT, brothers and sisters in Christ, I rejoice in the fact the my Jesus, who began a good work in me, WILL perform it until his day. (Phil. 4:6)

AND SO, I continue to earnestly covet the best gifts so that I may excel to the edifying of the church. I continue to ask wisdom of God who giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not. I continue to beg for wisdom to be the wise woman that builds my house...GOD FORBID that my very own hands would be responsible for tearing down those I love the most here on this earth!

Gotta go...I suddenly feel the urge to be on my knees in prayer! :)

Monday, July 18, 2011

Time keeps on slipping into the future!

WOW! Has it already been nearly a year? Goodness!

It is the eleventh hour and I should be in bed snuggled against my man. But, here I sit on this computer playing...of all things...I'm ashamed to admit...Spider Solitair. Can we say "idle time"? How many other things could this homeschooling momma of 6 and pastor's wife be doing? Hey! I could be blogging, for Homer's sake! (why do we always use "Pete"?)

Getting ready for another busy school year. We've had company for the past TWO months (PLUS) and are expecting company again next month for our mission's conference. Then the month following AGAIN for our family rally. Can you say, "busy"? this past week I applied for a job online. I know...I know! No need to say what's on your matter who you are, I've probably thought the same things...hey, probably even spoken aloud to meself about them! (yes, and even ANSWERED you know..I'm really crazy!)
ANYHOO....I didn't get the job. Talk about "bustin' mah bubble"! Now, I've been struggling with the "low self esteem" thing for the past couple of days. I have been in denial about these feelings, but, why so? God knows my heart...and now you do on the matter!

Why was I wanting to work?....I got this grand idea that I'd work to earn extra money for braces for a couple of the kiddos. Really, Tina! You knew better! And God confirmed it and put me in my place! Yay, God! :) I really am thankful.

So, you'd think it'd be my teen aged children struggling with their self esteem. But, NO! It's their
middle agED momma. Thoughts like: What have you accomplished with your life, Tina? A: Nothing. What have you EVER started and finished, Tina? A: Nothing! (Consider this blog for instance....nearly a YEAR since I've posted?!?! I can still hardly believe it.) Are Darren's clothes even ready for the morning, Tina? A: NO, they are not.

Silly thoughts that I've secretly rebuked other folks for voicing...CRAZY thoughts, because AFTER ALL, God loves me, I AM SAVED by the blood of Jesus! :) :) I have an AWESOME marriage and six great kiddos. WHY allow myself to dwell on such things? I chose this life, and I'm glad I did. Are there things I'd have done differently? Absolutely. But, I learn as I go along. My older kiddos have a testimony of loving my Lord and often freely express their own desire to serve Him. They have missed so much of this world's emptiness, because of my choice to "miss" so much.

SOOOOO, GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATAN!!! I have chosen the most excellent ways! >: l

Now, I'm going to my comfy cozy bed and snuggling next to my darlin's warm body in my airconditioned bedroom that's in my awesome house that sits on a beautiful property on the edge of a small town with a beautiful view of the rolling hills and farm land...

AFTER I shut out the lights, lock the doors and windows, and get them kiddos into their own beds!

Life is somethin'! Aint it? ;)